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July 5, 2010
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:iconwocketpocket99:
Again, written during some fireworks. The handwriting is freshly translated from its original unintelligible-ness.

Written for the Flash Fiction Month Day 4 challenge. I'm not too happy with this, and really don't have much experience with sci-fi beyond what I read in books. Any constructive critique is encouraged. Word count is 554.

:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:

Copyright © Larken Rye

Please do not copy, edit, or reproduce this work in any shape or form. This work is not for use by anyone outside those have obtained my express permission.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2010-11-23
FFM4--Challenge by ~WocketPocket99 details the challenges humans face with developments in technology, exploring their reactions to the unexpected and the way some people seem to have no limits to what they do. ( Featured by !GwenavhyeurAnastasia )
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:icongwendolyn12:
`Gwendolyn12 Nov 25, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
absolutely incredible work!
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:iconemma00:
creepy good :P
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:iconsuper-moses:
~Super-Moses Nov 23, 2010  Student Digital Artist
Gave me chills! Oh my gosh. That is without a doubt the most shocking and unexpected ending I have ever read to a short story. Absolutely love it!
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:iconartistic-dribbles:
Great visuals, sounds like the beginning of a fantastic story.
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:iconjust-something-else:
~Just-Something-Else Nov 23, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
When I say character limitations I mean the word limit that the contest has constricted you to.

Not limitation on the character's personality xD

Sorry about that.
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:iconwocketpocket99:
I understood that. Thank you for the clarification, though. :)
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:iconjust-something-else:
~Just-Something-Else Nov 23, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
Plot wise this piece has potential.

Done well the gruesome images and the plot twist in the yet paint a very morbid picture.

However, one of the important aspects of science fiction is that everything must have a logical flow and I don't really feel it here.

I realize you have character limitations but I don't understand why the character Jack is even there considering his employer at least understood what this man was selling.

If Jack was a character from the past, this would make sense. But seeing that he's a being that inhabits the same "earth" the mad scientist does, this type of machine-animal science shouldn't be a huge shocker.

Literary wise the sentences are very detached and Jack seems to pull at his hair so much that I'm surprised he has any left. You rely on what the characters say a lot as opposed to make the descriptions of the animals into...descriptions.

The entire concept though, of a scientist going so insane as to use his wife and daughter in experiments is a little overused in my books. Though I read a lot of science fiction.

Good attempt though, especially with the character limitations!

I'd highly recommend you go back and iron out the loose ends though. Especially since the purpose for this piece in the contest entry has been fulfilled.
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:iconwocketpocket99:
Thank you for the feedback. It's very much appreciated.

I could argue against your argument for logical flow, but this is neither the time nor the place for it. If you didn't feel it, though, it's because I was just getting used to the whole "Flash Fiction" thing, not because I intended it to be that way. I'm working on that.

If it makes any difference, I never thought of the man as selling anything. I just pictured some blurry boss figure stating something like "go see what he's up to," or something similar to that. On top of that, the scientist creates creatures that are very much beyond the norm. These are my thoughts behind it, by the way, not a defense. You have a huge point there, with the time-place issue.

Once again, I didn't see it as you did (though I can certainly see how someone could see it that way). I haven't read a lot of the later sci-fi; I prefer Zelazny, Asprin, and Heinlein to the more modern "apocalyptic" science fiction. Oh, well.

I've got this piece in my "Considerations" list, for an after-NaNo-burnout project. As of yet, your comment has been the most helpful in deciding what needs rewriting, and I thank you for that.

Gee. I'm not used to getting much in the way of constructive criticism here. If I sound a bit awkward, or if I appear to be defending myself more than simply explaining my thoughts, please feel free to tell me, because this is not intentional. You have very strong points, all of which will be addressed when I revisit this piece.

Once again, thank you,
Larken Rye
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:iconmetal-goddess:
~Metal-Goddess Nov 23, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
love it :clap:
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:iconbroken-clock-work:
~broken-clock-work Nov 23, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
this is wonderful. it holds morbid hints and i couldn't help but laugh at the guys cheeriness - yet was truly a tad bit creeped at the idea of what he'd done. but that's exactly the effect that i wanted to get out of it. this a great, well written piece that i wish i could read more off. congratulations.
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